3 Ways To Fail At Tinder

By now, everyone who uses the internet should at least have heard about the “dating” app Tinder. And if you’ve used it, you know exactly why I put dating in quotations.

Fail #1
Backstory And Approach

One night I was feeling significantly down and out about living the single life, and while browsing the internet I came across a review for Tinder. Either it was the only good review, or I only skimmed the words for pictures of it’s, admittedly, amazing interface and concept.. because I decided to go against my pride and download the application.

The idea was quite genius to me, and the premise was simple enough: Take a look at a few pictures of a girl, read a short biography, and decide if you’re attracted. “What could go wrong?” I thought, as I very carefully sifted through hundreds of singles within 100 miles of my hometown, trying to find that diamond in the rough.

Tinder has gotten so popular now, that certain gender-based stereotypes have gotten attached to it such as the male stereotype of swiping right on literally every girl, and the female stereotype of taking their time with each person, and swiping left on the majority of guys. I personally went against the grain, and fell under the female stereotype.

Call me picky, call me stuck-up, but I’m just being real here. If there is no physical attraction (at least with a few pictures), or what little bit of a mental attraction you can pick up with a bio, I was swiping left all day. Yes, I’m looking at you, girls with a single Marilyn Monroe quote.

Gag me with a spoon
Gag me with a spoon

The simplicity of the app and the excitement of getting a match was addicting, and I found myself swiping left and right whenever I had a spare minute, until there were absolutely no more women on the app within 100 miles of me.

The first fail was my approach. I was looking to make conversation with women I would potentially go on dates with, and with Tinder, much of the guesswork was taken out, as it was clear both parties were mutually attracted to each other, at least superficially. The problem was, either women were using this as a vanity app to see how many matches they could get, or they were using it more for casual sex, as, let’s face it, 99% of guys were using it for.

Fail #2
Flirting with Matches

I got a decent number of matches… more than I honestly thought I would get, especially being as selective as I was.
“Fantastic!” I thought “This app is genius”.

I’m scrolling through my matches, sorting them through, looking for my top picks. When I find the Crème de la crème, I anxiously typed in “Hey!” and erased it. No, that’s lame “What’s up girl?” Nah. Too bro-like. I believe I started most with something along the lines of, “Hey, how are you?”. I felt as if that was casual enough and was a decent conversation starter.

So I have a few conversations going, talking about basic aspects of our lives and whatnot, but the conversation would always drop fast, as either I or (presumably) my match would lose interest and go on to the next person.  I got a few numbers, and kept the conversation flowing through texting, but they would all end abruptly.

A major problem is that the pickings were so plentiful, that it was easy to move on to another conversation and forget a previous conversation all together. Perhaps I was weird because I wasn’t asking for tit pics from the get-go? I’ll never know.

Smooth. Clearly if he used the right form of “your” it would be okay

Fail #3
Being Psychotic

Believe it or not, this one is actually not a fail on my end. Let me tell you this story.

One of my first matches was with a 20 year old girl from Boston. She was pretty, but what attracted me the most was her intellect and her interests. She seemed like the type of girl that I would want to meet.

We actually talked back and forth on the app for a few weeks, and we arranged to meet during her school break when she would be returning to Maine for a short time.

After awhile I kind of sensed that, while she was highly intelligent, something seemed off. She would say little things here and there that made me scratch my head, or things that made me uncomfortable. I pushed it aside and thought, hey, maybe I seem weird to her.

About a month into my Tinder experience, and before we met in person, I decided that I didn’t want to use Tinder anymore. I realized that it wasn’t exactly the type of service I was looking for, as most were using it as a tool for casual sex. So I deleted the app without even saying anything to her or my other conversations (In hindsight, giving her the courtesy of an explanation would have been more appropriate, but I’ve never been a sentimental man).

A week goes by, and I get a friend request on my Facebook account… and I bet you know exactly who it was.
I added her, even though I found it sort of awkward. But, then the psychotic part hit:

She actually messaged me these exact words….

“You didn’t think you could get rid of me THAT easily, did you?”

Suddenly I wasn’t attracted to her anymore and soon after, I deleted her. I’m really hoping she didn’t write down any personal information about me. The last thing I want to see is a horse’s freshly chopped off head in my bed.

I have been tempted to redownload Tinder, but then I remember that particular girl, shudder, and put the phone down.

So, there’s my embarrassingly horrific experience with Tinder…

Can you top that? What are some of your experiences with Tinder, or any other dating app?


4 thoughts on “3 Ways To Fail At Tinder”

  1. Dude, that picture of the psychotic girl honestly scares me. Look closely at her eyes… Friggin crazy eyes. Cut your manhood off in your sleep eyes, chew the crotch out of your tightly whitey eyes, find your mother without your knowledge and knit her a scarf kinda eyes..

    Your screwed. She will find you.

    Best of luck brother!

    1. Hahaha, loved it. You’re totally right…

      And blogging about it for the (potential) world to see can’t be the smartest move if I never want her to find me again, no?

      Keep up the good writing man.

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